The Gunston Family Funeraｌ Home

Gidday, and welcome to the GUNSTON FAMILY FUNERAL HOME homepage. (based out of Woolongong down Parramatta way. Take a left at Aunty Ethyls place, go on a bit, bit more, we're on the left.)

The death of someone is one of the most difficult times in our lives.
We here at the GUNSTON FAMILY FUNERAL HOME feel truly blessed to be able to help people through this very difficult time in their lives.

We're a family-run business, the Gunston brothers Wayne, Gene-o and me (I'm Trev) as well as Aunty Doris who handles the basting side of things and what-have-you.

In your hour of grief, you can rest easy and leave all of the arrangements to us.

We will walk you through all the steps, right from, say, identifying a prick you want whacked, right through to patting down the last smegs of dirt on the cunts shallow grave.

When you deal with the Gunstons, you deal with pros.

Reliable, tasteful and discreet, we get the job done.

We haven't lost one yet!

We'll get that mess sorted out, no fucking questions asked, squire.

WE ARE THE BEST.

THE FUCKING BEST.


Funeral Merchandise

As a full service funeral home, we have a large variety of caskets and burial vaults for your convenience in selection. A general price list is available upon request from our funeral home or by mail or by telephone. Or, we could just type the price lists here to cut through the bullshit, straight to the chase, as it were.


COFFINS.

Coffins, mate, they're the wings of the Arch Angel Gabriel bearing the dead pricks to sunnier climes.


Let's take a look at the range of options we have on offer.

Option 1;

Affordably priced at just $5.95, this option is tailor-made for the budget-minded bereaver. Ideal for those looking to just get the rotten old cunt into the ground.




Option #2.



We'll let you have this one for $29.95.
Custom-made by Gene-O, he knocks these swish numbers out in no time at all with his trusty MacCullough chainsaw. 48" bar, twin-calibrated, dual-locked teeth, mate, pardon my fucking French but this chainsaw is the fuckin' Rolls Royce of chainsaws. As you can see, Gene-o is pretty fucking handy with it too.



Embalming and Cremation

Embalming is most often a matter of practical necessity for a service with the body present. For cosmetic purposes. Rest assured, Aunty Doris will get your dearly departed clogged full of snot again.

The embalming room. Bit of strife about the place today. No worries, Wayne will get that shit tidied up before your next rellie carks it.







The embalming fluid juice extractor. We use nothing but the ripest hand-selected loquats in our embalming procedure. Aunty Dorises blender is completely different to this one and it is upstairs in the kitchen. We run a tight ship here at GUNSTON FAMILY FUNERAL HOMES.




Let's meet the other members of the Gunston Family Funeral Home Staff.

Geno "Gene-o" Gunston. (Funeral Director)

Gene-o can dissasemble, recalibrate and reassemble his Maccullough 48" TwinDeforester XIV in 24 seconds flat. He is a fucking legend.




Wayne Gunston. (Funeral Director)

These days Wayne "inadvertwently" huffs so much perming solution and formaldehyde he can't even hardly fuckin' see straight. Wayne-o's in charge of "taxidermying" the dead pricks. Bugger me, no wonder none of the fuckin' sofas around here have any stuffing left in them...





Doris Gunston. (Funeral Director)

Aunty Doris is the brains behind the show. Whether it's getting Reliable Louie on the blower at 3 am for some urgent business or stitching up some fat prick with her trusty Bernina, Aunty Doris is always on the ball.





Trevor Gunston (Funeral Director)

That's me, Trev, behind the wheel of the family hearse. Looks like I'm giving it what for too! Probably heading out to take a corpse, I mean coffin to the graveyard. That's where the coffins go.




Reliable Louie.
(no picture available)
Lou is the best at what he does, he gets the job done, no questions asked.




Yes, indeedy, it's the releasing of the white doves. This symbolises peace and freedom. "Souls no longer shackled to the phenomena of earthen torpor" as Wayne once said. Reliable Louie, who does some work for us, tells us that this custom has nothing to do with waking up with horses heads.



Well, rather than try and nick some pigeons from the local park and paint them white as Wayne STUPIDLY suggested one day, here is one of our custom-made doves. Thanks again to Gene-o and his trusty Maccullough 48". Like the poofs pictured above, you can hiff the dove up in the air if you so please. One hiff is 50 cents. Nah fuckit, make it 25 cents. It's Christmas.


So next time some old git you know up and carks it, be sure to give us a bell. We're in the phonebook under "G." Thats "G" for "Gunston," the #1 name in undertaking.